Tomorrow is the day! Day 112 that I get to see my husband. Wow what a rush of emotions it should be. Many of my friends have already had their video conferences with their husbands. The reviews have been mixed to say the least. I would be lying if I said I have been excited since I found out I would be able to have one of the coveted 15 minutes spots. Don’t get me wrong, I would have never turned it down and I am enormously grateful. But at the same time I know already how hard it is going to be.
Some people, well, they just don’t get it. I have already been asked 10 times how I could not want to do a cartwheel and scream at the top of my lungs that I was going to have a VTC (video teleconference) with my husband. Well, for one I am wearing a skirt, and 2 it is just plain hard.
You get into a grove when they are gone. It is hard to explain to civilian wives. You know that you love them and miss them when they are away. You think of them all the time. You email or write everyday. But you get use to them not being around. Then they call. The voice on the other end of the phone is delayed but you already know who it is. Your eyes well up, and you wish you had let your child stay up that 30 minutes extra so they could talk to dad. Now what to say? You start with I love you and I miss you because you never know how long the line will last. (for those of you who have never talked to someone on a satellite phone, connections are shotty, they go in and out, and you never know how long the line will last before it gets cut off). You talk a little, then wait for the response, and you do this back and fourth with gaps in between. You both talk over each other at least 2 or three times throughout the conversation because of the long pauses. You basically repeat the same thing that you emailed about earlier that day. The time comes to say good bye and the pain starts all over again. You hang up the phone and you wonder how long will it be before I talk to him again.
Well, multiply that by a million and I am pretty sure that is how I am going to feel tomorrow at 2:45 pm when my VTC is over. I know it will be a wonderful experience and so nice to see him and for Kercher to see him. I am excited for Sailor hubby to see his son. How much he has grown and how much is talking. I am not excited about the pain that I know will come after the video goes away. To see him, yet not to be able to touch him will be hard. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel for this part of our life to be over, the only problem is that the light is still very dim and the tunnel very long.
I excited and scared all at the same time. It is so hard to say good bye. It is almost easier not to talk on the phone when they are gone. Not to hear their voice. Email is communication without attachment. The easiest form when you are disconnected from love ones for long period of times. It takes a little while to get over the initial good bye of a deployment. I am just hoping that this one does not start that processes over again. That the pain passes as swiftly as I am sure my 15 minutes will. That the last half of this deployments passes as fast as the 1st. What will make it even harder will be the tears of my son. He already cries when daddy’s book reading video’s are over and those I can restart. How will his reaction be when his dad talks to him, and then we have to leave.
Ahhh, I can feel the dagger in my heart now.
On the bright side what a way to ring in the New Year!
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