There are no words….

I think January 30, 2009 will be a date that will stand out in my mind forever. And not necessarily for the moments that I thought it would.

I thought I would blog about the amazing experience it was to be with Amy when she welcomed her 2nd little girl into the word, Ashlyn Bryanne (bri-Anne), how amazing it was just not to see the miracle of life, but also to be that up close to a real surgery that I have watched on Discovery health probably 100 times. I thought I would blog about that, and the amazing thing I just watched and took part of. I even thought I may talk about and always remember the crazy lady down on Granby that is always out there hoola-hooping. I am not sure why she is there, and what the purpose is, but she stands on the medium and hoola-hoops. She is not a child, she is an elderly lady, it is just strange. Never in my life did I ever think I would go through the type of emotional roller coaster I experienced this weekend.

From the highs of Amy’s new baby to the absolute lowest I think I have ever felt. On Friday evening my cousin Kendall, was tragically killed in a car accident. She was a senior at the University of Memphis and was on her way home from an Art Show through some heavy fog when she veered off the road and went down an 18 ft embankment (sorry that is so blunt, I don’t know how to word it nicely). She was not wearing her seat belt, although the state trooper didn’t believe that it would have made much of a difference judging by the severity of the damage to the car. The car rolled several times and was partially submerged in water. The only thankful thing about the accident was that she didn’t suffer. More then likely she was gone with the initial impact of the car.

I have never known anyone personally that died at such a young age. I have lost family member in the past but just grandparents and great grandparents and uncles…no one young. I went to school with kids who were killed in car accidents, and one that died in the log collapse at UT Austin in ’99, but I never really knew any of them. Although I was saddened that they had passed away there really wasn’t a connection. This, this was flat out shocking. To make it all the worse of a situation she has a 6 year old little girl who is with her all the time. She has spent very little time with her father, and her father is really not much to brag about, with no high school education or a job, he is just one of those guys that just gets by. Now what happens? Does he get to take her away from the family she has lived with her whole life? Do my uncle and aunt have to suffer the loss of her as well? I am praying that they do not. Kendall was in the process of taking Kaleigh’s dad to court over child support and visitation, so I am hopefully that they will see he has played little to no role in her life to date and that just because Kendall is gone doesn’t mean that he is the best place for her to go.

I have no words to explain what I feel. I know I hate Virginia. I hate that since Wes has left we have lost 4 family members in 5 months, 3 in the past 30 days. I hate that I could not be there with my family as they go through this. I hate that when something like this happens to someone around you, you can not help but put yourself in their shoes and think what if I die, what if that were me? I hate that I hadn’t gotten around to speaking with her since I was home for Thanksgiving, I hate in the past few years we hadn’t done much together when we were home. I hate that she is gone. That her daughter will only have a few memories of her. That she didn’t have a wedding day, or graduate from college. That all those children who she could have taught, will not have her as a teacher. I hate that she had a rough life. I hate the whole situation. 22 years is not a life time, it is not half a life, hell it isn’t a quarter of one. When I think of where I was when I was 22, it is like whipping out the last 5 years of my life…it just isn’t fair.

I know she is in a better place. I know time heals all pain. It is just serial to have experienced all of those different emotions, those extreme highs and those extreme lows, in such a short period of time.